HOLIDAYS CAN BRING OUT THE ATTACHMENTS IN ALL OF US!

One evening I sat cross legged in my bedroom meditating when I faced my biggest fear. My fear of being alone. I did not try to escape the discomfort. I welcomed the discomfort and confronted it straight on. The fear took my breath away. I was sobbing. I yelled at the Universe. I expressed righteous anger. I blamed those that I felt had wronged me. Then I realized I can no longer blame anyone for what I do not do moving forward. I was utterly alone in my failures and in my successes. Do you know how liberating and terrifying that is at the same time? I could blame my abusers, myself included, for what had been done to that point in time and now I could get grateful for all of the lessons that had provided to me, the strength that each lesson had taught me and the perspective I was able to gain from the lessons.

I have had to read and reread this segment on more than one occasion while in my healing journey. This serves as a reminder to detach from attachments each time I uncover a new layer of an attachment. Let’s talk about the attachment I had to love. I believed that I needed a relationship, a partnership, another person to complete me. I was addicted to love. I had an attachment to love. Yet each time I found love I sabotaged it. I would reject it. I would cheat it. I would replace it. Over and over again.  

The first layer of realizing this attachment was that I needed to love myself and not look for others to complete me. I am confident that many of you have heard this throughout your life and you are no stranger to this concept. Some of you love yourself easily and if that is your case I applaud you. Truly such a remarkable trait. Others have had to learn how to love themselves. This is not a small undertaking. I speak from experience. So in order for me to love myself I had to let go of the idea that the love I sought after came from another person. I put it into practice. I showed up for myself. I worked hard in all areas of my life. I practiced daily habits. I climbed peaks and felt on top of the world and I lumbered into valleys and felt hopeless. I continued to show up for all the highs and the lows. I started to love myself.  

When one layer of attachment begins to fade away another is able to surface.  I would climb peaks and at the top celebrate how hard I had worked, how amazing I had become, how superior I felt. And when I was in a valley I would loathe myself and ask why I was struggling after I had put in all of the hard work and that I knew better so I should be better. I was judging myself for better or for worse. I was judging others around me as well. As long as I was judging others I was blocking myself from improving.  As long as I was judging myself I was not providing an additional layer of love I could be giving myself instead.  

I began to realize the attachment I had to judging myself and others. Each time I would pass judgment on others I would call my attention to it and ask myself why I was judging another person. Ten times out of ten without fail it was because I myself had done a similar behavior in the past or was behaving similarly in the present or would be given an opportunity in the future to have a similar experience. I would then practice letting go of the judgment and replacing the judgment with love and kindness. I found it easier to give grace to others than to myself but in being gracious to others I learned to be gracious with myself.

Next I had to become aware of my inner critic. As I mentioned before I would loathe myself while in a valley.  That loathing was also judgment.  When I would begin to struggle I would abandon myself, judge myself and reject myself. No wonder I looked outside of myself for someone to love me. I did not know how to love me especially when I needed love. I withdrew what little I had and went looking for someone to do what I did not know how to do. I started to pay attention to my thoughts and my words.  I would rephrase thoughts and statements without judgment and practice giving myself grace and kindness.  I was able to love myself more, releasing another attachment around love.

Then the crescendo. As I sifted through the layers of judgment and released myself from the weight of each attachment I could begin to ask myself what I was truly looking for. The answer was foreign, uncharted, unfamiliar so it felt uncomfortable. At this point in my journey I recognized that if I was uncomfortable I was ready to grow and I must lean in rather than refuse or resist.  It is apropos that I was able to get to the root of my attachment to love during a session with my Guru on Valentines Day. I had been feeling anxious about my current relationship, how we felt about one another, what our future looked like together, would we have a future. This had been a pattern I had on repeat when in a relationship. I wanted to narrate the story instead of allowing the story to unfold. This is where I had lost my way time and time again. This time I brought it to my Guru. As we worked through what were thoughts and what were feelings and what was programmed and what was authentically me my Guru said that I am attached to the idea of attachment. You may have to reread that a few times. I know I have had to truly expand my mind with this new concept.  How I grasped this concept was that very day when celebrating Valentines Day.

Later that day when I did not receive a Valentine I stopped mid thought and asked myself “Do you need the Valentine?” Of course the answer was no.  The following question hit home. “Do you want the Valentine because you are attached to Valentines Day or are you attached to the attachments to Valentines Day.” I answered myself by playing out the scenario of receiving a Valentines Day Card. I would receive the pink, purple and red blend of art with a message inside that would give me a moment's validation. I would hold onto the card for a day minimum and a week maximum and then I would throw it in the trash. I then realized I was attached to the attachment created by society and those I have been around my entire life. As a young girl I witnessed Valentines Day as a day that my Dad presented my Mom with lavish gifts showing his love with a card, flowers and an overpriced purse or jewelry.  My Mom would be ecstatic.  Not because she loved material items but because she felt appreciated and loved.  I attached myself to this programming on Holidays and Valentine’s Day was no exception.  I felt that if I did not receive a card and a gift I was somehow unappreciated and unloved. Once I became aware I could literally feel the attachment disconnect from this programming. For the first time in my entire life I could truly be free from attachments as I could see them. This was the truest freedom I have ever experienced.

My attachments truly dissolved. What is left after the attachments are the habits. Although I am now aware and becoming increasingly aware of my attachments I have still practiced the habits associated with different attachments. Changing one’s programming is easy once you do the work to understand the programming. Changing one’s habits is something I am still working hard to do. It is a daily practice to create new habits. There is no magic wand to wave to make it different. It is simply making one choice after the next each day throughout the day. The old habits slowly shift into the new habits with practice. 2024 marks 4 years of practicing radical self acceptance and love.