DUALITY

I often process a lot of thoughts while I run but not in the same manner I might while attempting to fall asleep or attempting meditation when my thoughts repeat themselves loudly and repetitively.  While I run, a thought will come in, and if it is a thought that does not serve me in my evolution I can typically flick my wrist and throw the thought back into the Universe. A thought that will help in my evolution will enter with clarity and intent.  The thought will not be familiar.  It is when I am quiet and present in the moment that I open up to the possibility of new creations, ideas, and thoughts. 

My duality became incredibly apparent to me on a run with my dog Hazel.  The thought of duality had been on my mind.  I had often told myself that I was duplicitous yet I believe that this interpretation was askew.  I was not a deceitful individual.  However I have a duality that I was curious to understand.  While I ran with Hazel I was exploring the thought of duality.  This was a hard concept for me to accept due to my desire to have structure and organization.  I wanted everything to be black or white.  Right or wrong.  Good or bad.  Duality blended all of those concepts leaving me in a very gray area.  

As I pondered this I am yanking on the collar of my dog in an attempt to keep her pulling on me while I run.  This is her routine every run. Hazel is one of the smartest and kindest canines I know.  Yet everyday she chooses to pull on the leash.  As my frustration grew with every repetitious reminder to not tow me on the run I started to laugh as I realized the duality in this small black and white dog.  Not only is she literally black and white but she knows right from wrong and she understands good behavior from bad behavior.  Yet everyday that we run she demonstrated her duality.  She blends the black and white to show me her gray zone and creates a beautiful blend of gray.  Her good and her bad.  Her right and her wrong.  I could finally accept the duality in Hazel, myself and all living creatures.  I realized that the black and white, the right and wrong, and the good and bad live in everyone of us. The best part is that there is no right or wrong or good and bad. There simply is and all of it deserves love.

With this discovery I was able to heal a duality within me that I denied for the majority of my life.  Peace and anger.  I would work hard to create peace in my life and I would work equally hard to avoid anger.  The difficulty is without balance or neutrality an imbalance occurs and instead of seeking peace and avoiding anger I would constantly be in a state of misaligned feelings.  I would not honor feelings of anger when I was angry but instead I would resist anger and force peace.  My anger would bottle up and create confusion my confusion would lead to sadness and peace was nowhere in sight.  When I would feel peaceful the anger that I resisted and never addressed would rob me of my peaceful moments as well when I would feel waves of sadness which was my anger trying to escape in ways I would allow.  

I realized I was neither angry or peaceful but often I felt sorrow.  I did not understand this sorrow.  I would look around and see all of the blessings in my life.  I would talk about my gratitude and write it down.  The sorrow kept returning.  Until I became curious about my feelings.  I would experience a feeling of discomfort and immediately attach an emotion to it.  I would often attach sadness as I knew I did not feel happy in the moment so I must be feeling the opposite.  I would ask myself if I was in fact feeling sad or if there was a different emotion I may be feeling.  Nothing seemed to resonate until I found that I felt disappointed.  I was disappointed in others and how they have treated me and I was disappointed in myself for allowing such treatment.  Disappointment and disrespect made me feel angry.  The very emotion I had been resisting was persisting and wearing a cloak called sadness.  I was disguising my own feelings with the incorrect emotion and therefore remaining stuck. I leaned into feeling and identifying my emotions. Allowing my emotions to teach me what beliefs I had made up about myself. Then rewriting the new belief and releasing the old belief. Now I was free to feel peace.